(Looks out the window)

Oh sweet Jesus, summer is coming…

I always knew this day would come, just like every other year around June.  My fair skin and paper bag hardly survived last year’s solar bombardments.  I avoid the outdoors as best as I can, but I gotta stretch my legs (the glutes want what the glutes want).  Ordinarily I’d run around the house screaming at the top of my lungs.  But my parents won’t let me do that anymore.  Apparently I’ve left too many sticky ice cream fingerprints and dead birds around for their liking.

Maybe if I hide under a pile of towels this year then summer won’t even know that I’m here.  If I’m lucky maybe it’ll move on to one of those cold countries like Viking-Landia, or the moon.  It’s a crying stinking shame that summer don’t roll like that, he ends up just overstaying his welcome and makes everything all dry and sticky like granny Geerson.  Summer’s nothing like winter.  Winter’s a pretty coooooool guy……. (cricket sounds)

Winter has a sense of personal space, as long as you pay your heating bills he minds his own business and stays the hell out of your way.  SURE, you can attempt to ward off summer by purchasing one of those fan things.  But they keep pivoting from left to right so you’re really getting like twenty percent efficiency.  I’ve heard rumors that you can stop those things from pivoting, but those fans are always so complicated.  They’ve got like three different buttons on them and I never know which one to press.

Summer gets all up in your shit and doesn’t leave you alone unless you hide in your basement.  That is, if you’re fortunate enough to not have any windows in your basement.  If you do it only makes matters worse.  Summer kinda just peers in through that one little opening, and you know you can’t do anything about it because the last time you tried getting a restraining order the police just hung up.  Friggin summer with his beaches and his ice cream and those pool parties in his back yard…  If I had my own season then it would rain puppies and the sky would turn pink and  summer isn’t invited.

Stick around kids because next time I’m going to complain even more about nice things…