Since you’ve been gone
It’s never a good thing when you walk in on your blug you’ve been neglecting for over a year. They start to stink after a while… And mold… But just as Samuel Jackson continues to bring back “cool”, we’re bringing this thing back from the dead.
Usually I have something to talk about on these things, opinions, politics, science… Mostly invalid opinions. So much has happened since last we spoke, all of it so noteworthy. The “Uptown Funk” music video, the first successful penis transplant, president Barack Obama admitting his guilt for the moon rock scandal, and a new world record for the longest lemonade stand (This one happened in my home town, Calgary… Most of the lemon enthusiasts still haven’t left yet). Speaking of world records, my people also set the world record for having “the single largest gathering of people dressed as Batman singing the YMCA song”. Seriously, look it up -> http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2014/09/18/batmen-calgary-nexen-world-record_n_5845050.html
The lemonade stand really happened too. What? You callin’ Nubly a LIAR? –> http://www.calgarysun.com/2014/09/18/dare-to-care-takes-over-eau-claire-to-set-world-record-for-longest-lemonade-stand
Of course, I had no involvement with these monumental achievements. Frankly I’m not sure why they happened. Or why I wasn’t informed beforehand. But that’s not important, my mere relative geographical proximity deserves at least a little recognition. Who cares if I had no directly adjacent physical presence at the time? I was close enough! Matter’s overrated. And bodies are for chumps. Just ask ghosts! Or Skynet! Those are some of the coolest people I know. And they don’t need to physically manifest themselves right in front of people to make an impact on their lives. Using their ectoplasm/internet access, they’re able to project images of themselves all over the world and cause all sorts of mayhem. THAT’S what’s important. (I tried explaining this to my 2nd cousin whose wedding I missed. I’m not invited to the reception party)
Listen, I just don’t have the time to actually go to these things and participate. Besides, it’s the thought that counts. I’m always eager to contribute to my community in whatever non material or labor-oriented way possible. Anything to support The “Champ” City Chief Challenge. It’s an unspoken truth that all cities on Earth are simultaneously at war with each other. Only the greatest, wealthiest, and most handsomest city will earn the right to rule the world and eat their opponents. Every year, the worst and most loser-ish city on Earth is taken off the list and “removed from the equation”. You don’t believe me? Well whatever happened to Regina? No one ever talks about Regina anymore, and no one will find it if they go looking…
At the risk of making this sound like a “whose dad would win in a fight” ramble. I will say that Calgary is doing it’s part to ensure our dominance over Batman cosplays and sugar-filled yellow liquids, AND WE’RE WINNING!!! And like any good sports fan, I’ll be at home watching our progress vigilantly while screaming at the TV. Being a true dedicated fan means you’ll always scream at the TV, through the good times and bad. No matter how much concern your loved ones show – you do not get out of your chair, you do not break eye contact, you do not poop. And when good things finally happen, somehow it’s all your fault. Enjoy your bragging rights my friend…
But hey, I mean, if things in Calgary do go downhill, I always have a one way ticket to Norway… Let’s face it, they are the superior beings.
What crazy things have happened in your community lately? What have you done lately? Let old Nubly here know so I can kiss it better.
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