The last time we tried to get Momo off of pizza pies he got angry… We don’t try that anymore…
Well this is embarrassing. A couple weeks ago, Jolly Biscuit held a comic-writing competition on Reddit and Deviantart… And I totally neglected to mention it on the main website… Anyways, it’s over now, so you’re wasting your time here. But if you want to see the contest details, check out the link below the image. And if you want to see the winning submission, keep scrolling.
The winning entry:
In-Frequently Asked Questions: Sports Talk
Questions about upcoming sports events, sports, and sports sports sports!
- Q: According to sportsnat.nat, The Cowgary Flams are Up to their 15th consecutive McSteven’s cup. How many games left? They are the bestest team in the world!!
— McMr McSteven McHarper, McOttawa, McCanada
- A: Dear Mr. McHarper, Lucky for you, I have a Pro-Contact in the Sportsnat studio, Gregorie Strongbolonga: “Hey, Sportspans! The Cowgary Flams have one more month of regular season play, and eight games left. Since they are the only team in the International Hoikey League of Canada, they plan on winning their 10036th game, by default, tomorrow (Monday, April 6th) at 8:00 am.”
- Q: I want to start my own sport. The problem is, the geneva convention keeps getting in my way F***ing way! It’s not fair! People break bones all the time in Football, Cricket and Rugby! Why can’t we have a game where that’s the OBJECTIVE?!
— Ms. Marry Barry, Grand Canyon
- A: Dear Ms. Barry, I questioned the Geneva Convention about your attempts to begin this New Sport, and I was informed, quite voluntarily I may add. According to the Geneva Convention’s ancillary Public rule book section 40, page 53 “New Sports will not be accepted without proper paper-work. Ms. Barry’s inadequate submissions of smart-phone texting for this sport, which she calls ‘Basket Boot’, involves neither baskets, nor boots. The brief description of the game involved the ‘berating of other players with locally provided weapons’.”
- Q: Which sport is the fastest?
– Mr. Horrace “Horrible” Guastacho, Seattle
- A: Dear Mr. Guastacho, the fastest sport, in terms of speed, is ‘Aerial Head-Darts’ — the game which involves wearing 100 meter long cones on ones head, and dropping onto a target. People have managed to reach speeds of over 700km/h. Until only recently this was only a contest, but it was given the sport title, as several teams have been formed.
The fastest growing sport is “Speed Planting”, a tournament which involves growing plants at ridiculous speeds!
- Q: Very Soon, my sports playing robot will become so powerful that all human athletes will become obsolete, and the world will be MINE!!! However, there may be a flaw in my otherwise perfect plan… Are robots even allowed to play all the sports, or are they only allowed to play one sport at a time?
— Doctor Pitts, Center of the Earth Labrotory, Earth
- A: Dear Mr. Doctor Pitts, we reccomend building multiple robots for various sports. Teams, if you will, of robots. The Geneva Convention Public Support, regarding a Robot Appocolypse, says “robots are allowed to play any sport, as long as humans aren’t being killed. Robots will therefore not allowed to play the Tentative sport ‘Basket Boot’“.
- Q: Can Anyone defeat me?
— “The Best“, Champion Colosseum, Colorado
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. “Best”, Legends foretell that there is one who will defeat you. This person, who may or may not have been born yet, has unbelievable powers. You shall now live in the constant fear, until that fateful day that you meet.
- Q: I’m a semi-proffesional student athlete, so please tell me: How well I did I do on my last Fitness Test?
— Ms. Kayla Monkeyback, Hairyannna, Montana
- A: Dear Mrs. Monkeyback , Our records show you scored a 5 out of a possible 500 in your last Fitness Test (yesterday). Since the scores have been graded on a curve, you got a passing grade.
- Q: I play a lot of sports, but I’m still an obese blob. Please help me, Dr. Fitman!
— Mr. Bobby Slobbert, Urban Fatropolis, Fatropia
- A: Dear Mr. Slobbert, at your request Dr. Fitman responds: “Most people that play as many sports would be much more fit, like me, Dr. Fitman. However, the only sports that you have recorded to play have been computer games. I’m so disappointed, I called your parents, and told them to melt your computers and video games into plastic bubble wrap.”
- Q: I want to be a Referee, when I grow up! Where do I sign up?
— Mr. Doug Rocks, Goodlands, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. Rocks, You may find the applications to this occupation at your local supermarket.
- Q: I was wondering: Now that’s I’m a full grown Ref, I wanted to help my team out be ‘accidentally’ getting in the way of the opposition’s puck, or knocking the players on that team over. Do you know of any other ways I can secretly help my fav team out? I’m a bit biased, but don’t tell anyone.
— Mr. Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. Rocks. I’m afraid what you are proposing would be technical interference. You may also lose your job. But… I had one idea: Steal a dropped stick, and act like you were taking it back to the player, but toss it over the netting, for the fans to start raving over. I also had this idea: Scream, like there’s no tomorrow, and point in a distracting manner. This might offer a mild distraction, and an opportunity to score. Just make sure it’s your team.
- Q: Who’s my favourite teams?
— Mrs. Nosina Nostrilina, Hamsterdam, Netherlands
- A: Dear Mrs. Nostrilina, your favourite teams are: The Cowgary Flams, of the International Hoikey League of Canada, the Green Bay Green B’s, of the Aerial Head-Dart Federation and the Grand Canyon Caners of the Basket Boot Wrestling League.
- Q: How many National Hockey League teams will there be in 2025?
— Ms. Antelope Quilly-Cue, Mr. Pantaloon Quilly-Cue, Footy Mousland, Macavakia
- A-1: Dear Ms. and Mr. Quilly-Cue, we have to do some quick math, so we called Dr. Mathlete:
“I decided to make an average. I averaged the teams, since 1917, included the lockout, and got 15. Since that number has never come up, in 97 years of the NHL, I decided it must be wrong. This became a logical paradox, as Dr. Mathlete cannot be incorrect… ERROR-ERROR-ERROR“
- A-2: I apologize, but Dr. Mathlete needs to be rebooted. So, Using Prediction Technology that I’ve found, by 2025, there will be 36 NHL teams: 5 of these teams are resurrected / moved. 5 are new expansions: 1. The Quebec Nordiques return to Quebec City, due to low popularity of the NJ Devils 2. Saskatoon gets the San Jose Sharks, and renames them the The Saskatoon Sharks. 3. Tampa Bay Lighting move to Thunder Bay, bought by a famous North Ontario Billionaire. They keep the name, “Lightning” 4. The Quebec BullDogs return, after 103 years, but to St. Johns. They have the least number of players, in the entire league and are bought by the owners of “CAP-IT” 5. Seattle gets the Hurricanes , after a giant hurricane destroys North Carolina, in 2017 1. The Victoria Vampires are part of the new 2018 expansion teams 2. Kansas City Wheat Kings, bought by Wil Wheaton (Over the course of the next five years this franchise will swap 7 owners) 3. Nashville Fishermen. This franchise would not survive a single season in Nashville, and move to the American East coast, a more appropriate area, where they lasted 5 seasons in Hartford, as the Whalers, and finally end in 2026 4. Regina gets a hockey team, the Regina Rough Riders 5. Montana gets a new team, the PipeLiners. Wayne Gretzky becomes the head coach, after his “longing for hockey”. The team makes it to the playoffs but loses, in it’s second season, but loses after the first round.
AND that’s what will happen with the NHL teams, by 2025.
- Q: I got a message, from god, that I must be the best curler ever! There’s only one problem… What’s Curling?
– Mrs. Sammy Peterstein, New York, Pennsylvania.
- A: Dear Mrs. Sammy, Curling is a casual sport. It’s sort of like bocce ball, only you play on ice.
- Q: I want to be the fastest person in the world! How do I send letters to this now Renowned Publication?
– Mr. Charlie Pillowsworth, Mexico, New Mexico
- A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you feel lucky, email@example.com. You could also try emailing any other of the “Staff” at Happy Cracker. I don’t care where you live, Seattle, the Center of the earth, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
NEXT WEEK’S theme is: ‘Help, I’m locked in something!’
Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental…
In-Frequently Asked Questions For Parliament:
Questions that you wanted to hear a straight answer to, but you asked someone in politics.
- Q: How much Safer would the right to bear guns make Canada? The News says they will make it a lot safer.
— Mr. Hocke R. Schmokes, Duntown T’rana, Candadadadadadadadadadadada
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. Mr. H. Schmokes, the current opinion of 13 people (aged 8-80) is that “yes, it would!” This is based on 37 polls, during the last 20 years, on several different issues. In all of these cases, the only catalogued answers were “yes”.
- Q: Living in the Antarctic, I’m concerned how much will my taxes go up when Bill C-51 passes?
— Ms. Annie Of Antarctica, The Arctic, Antarctica
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. A. Antarctica, At this point in time, we have primarily scientific stakes in Antarctica, so you won’t have to worry about this ‘Tentative Bill’.
- Q: I’ve heard that Bill C-51 will take away jobs from normal people in the work place, like me! I’ve also heard that it gives the police the ability to use postal drones to arrest homeless people, drunk drivers, and riffraff without any details. Is this true?
— Mrs. Henry Junior, Middle City, Canada
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. H. Junior, it is our opinion that Bill C-51 will not raise taxes in our plans for raising taxes in our expansion of Iraq.
- Q: Wonder me this: Who would win in a fight Batman, or Lego Batman?
— The Wondering Wonderer, Got Ham City, Hamerica
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. W. Wonderer, we would like to inform you that you have sent this question to the incorrect division. You must resend it to the “Questions about Batman and Lego” division, located it Saskartoon.
- Q: Where can I just stand around like this?
— Mr. Lingering Loiterson, Lazyton, Canadeja vu
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. L. Loiterson, this Party’s position on loitering is that it’s bad. Please do not loiter.
- Q: How much money will Alberta make on gas rebates, for that matter the other provinces and territories?
— Mrs. Doubting Bethany, Moneytreal, Queebeck
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. D. Bethany, That information is not public domain.
- Q: My internet stopped working, so I couldn’t send this email. That is to say, I couldn’t send the finished vers–
- A: Yes.
- Q: I heard that the CBC would be filming some films about Hinterland Who’s Who. Who will be starring in it?
— Mr. Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. D. Rocks, This government does not comment on rumours.
- Q: It’s officially spring, but there’s still snow. What is the Government going to do about it?
— Mrs. Fanny Angryoni, Super Nova Scotia, Canoodle
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. F. Angryoni, the Canadian Government is putting all resources into fighting the snow disasters on the east coast. We’ve even put zambonis on the streets. Be warned, there may be more ice than normal
- Q: When does my favourite band play?
— Mr. Antsy Pantine, Panoka, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. A. Pantine, Your government does not comment on rumours.
- Q: Bonjour, no?
— Mr. Theodore Backwash, Limp Noodle, Labradore
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. T. Backwash, Oui.
- Q: I’ve just found out that this week is the last week to sign up at the Target’s going away sale. Is this true?
– Mrs. Sally Sellers, Tent, Canadate
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. Sellers, Target Canada will no longer exist at the end of April. Zellers Will return, and this is based on analytical statistics.
- Q: I want to ask a question. How?
— Hon. Steve J. Harper, PC Party, Ottawa
- A: Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you feel lucky, email@example.com. You could also try emailing any other of the “Staff” at Jilly Boscuit. No matter where you live, Mexico, the badlands, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails.
It’s never a good thing when you walk in on your blug you’ve been neglecting for over a year. They start to stink after a while… And mold… But just as Samuel Jackson continues to bring back “cool”, we’re bringing this thing back from the dead.
Usually I have something to talk about on these things, opinions, politics, science… Mostly invalid opinions. So much has happened since last we spoke, all of it so noteworthy. The “Uptown Funk” music video, the first successful penis transplant, president Barack Obama admitting his guilt for the moon rock scandal, and a new world record for the longest lemonade stand (This one happened in my home town, Calgary… Most of the lemon enthusiasts still haven’t left yet). Speaking of world records, my people also set the world record for having “the single largest gathering of people dressed as Batman singing the YMCA song”. Seriously, look it up -> http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2014/09/18/batmen-calgary-nexen-world-record_n_5845050.html
The lemonade stand really happened too. What? You callin’ Nubly a LIAR? -> http://www.calgarysun.com/2014/09/18/dare-to-care-takes-over-eau-claire-to-set-world-record-for-longest-lemonade-stand
Of course, I had no involvement with these monumental achievements. Frankly I’m not sure why they happened. Or why I wasn’t informed beforehand. But that’s not important, my mere relative geographical proximity deserves at least a little recognition. Who cares if I had no directly adjacent physical presence at the time? I was close enough! Matter’s overrated. And bodies are for chumps. Just ask ghosts! Or Skynet! Those are some of the coolest people I know. And they don’t need to physically manifest themselves right in front of people to make an impact on their lives. Using their ectoplasm/internet access, they’re able to project images of themselves all over the world and cause all sorts of mayhem. THAT’S what’s important. (I tried explaining this to my 2nd cousin whose wedding I missed. I’m not invited to the reception party)
Listen, I just don’t have the time to actually go to these things and participate. Besides, it’s the thought that counts. I’m always eager to contribute to my community in whatever non material or labor-oriented way possible. Anything to support The “Champ” City Chief Challenge. It’s an unspoken truth that all cities on Earth are simultaneously at war with each other. Only the greatest, wealthiest, and most handsomest city will earn the right to rule the world and eat their opponents. Every year, the worst and most loser-ish city on Earth is taken off the list and “removed from the equation”. You don’t believe me? Well whatever happened to Regina? No one ever talks about Regina anymore, and no one will find it if they go looking…
At the risk of making this sound like a “whose dad would win in a fight” ramble. I will say that Calgary is doing it’s part to ensure our dominance over Batman cosplays and sugar-filled yellow liquids, AND WE’RE WINNING!!! And like any good sports fan, I’ll be at home watching our progress vigilantly while screaming at the TV. Being a true dedicated fan means you’ll always scream at the TV, through the good times and bad. No matter how much concern your loved ones show – you do not get out of your chair, you do not break eye contact, you do not poop. And when good things finally happen, somehow it’s all your fault. Enjoy your bragging rights my friend…
But hey, I mean, if things in Calgary do go downhill, I always have a one way ticket to Norway… Let’s face it, they are the superior beings.
What crazy things have happened in your community lately? What have you done lately? Let old Nubly here know so I can kiss it better.
In-Frequently Asked Questions:
More questions you didn’t think existed, mattered, or needed a response
- Q: Do you have a terrorist’s plot? I’m all out of mine.
— Terry Orrist, Not From Around Here, Other Place
- A: Sorry, Terry, I don’t have any, either. But… I know this guy….
- Q: Dear Willton, How High can you five?
— Maurice P. Doate, Chesterlake, Tazmania
- A: Higher than You, Maurice. You see, I learned a secret technique to allow me the ultimate high-five.
- Q: How many chews does it take to finish a ‘Dubble Bubble’ bubble gum?
— Mr. Gumble, Teriaki, Bay of Fumble
- A: One half chew.
- Q: PSSSSSST! Not so loud! Have you read the 2015 edition of the Annual Thesaurus? I thought it was too full of repetition.
— Whispering Pine, Library, The Woods
- A: SORRY, I HAVEN’T MANAGED TO GET MY HANDS ON THAT ONE, YET! IF YOU WERE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE THESAURUS, TRY READING AN ENCYCLOPEDIA; THOSE THINGS ARE FULL OF VARIATION!
- Q: My mathletics score is literally a fail. WON’T YOU HELP ME, DR. MATHLETE!?
— Grade 10, Math Class, Your City
- A: I’m not Dr. Mathlete, but I do have his contact information. So, I asked him your question:
Dr. Mathlete: Dear Mr. 10, of Math Class: I’ve talked to your mathletic instructors, and we have agreed that your decreasing knowledge of mathematics would put you back to Grade 1. After careful discussion, with your teacher’s and parents, we thought Grade 1 would be the perfect place for you to go. Would you like that? Huh? Would ya?
- Q: Waldo, where am I?
— Frightened Mickey, ????
- A: I couldn’t find Waldo either, so I couldn’t help you out.
- Q: What if my name was Hairy Apple Tree?
— Sherron Gabble Green, Big City, Meprotopolis
- A: You’d need more hair, and have to live in a Hippy Commune.
- Q: I’ve found this rock, and I think it’s a real live diamond! How much is it worth?
— Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta
- A: I’m afraid it’s only quartz. So, if you tie some string on it, you may manage to make a dollar.
- Q: It’s almost spring! So… What do you plan to do for the International Time Change Day?
— Lassy T. Weeks, Not Saskatchewan, Canada
- A: The Time Change was last week; also, despite popular belief, it’s not a International Holiday.
- Q: So, It’s almost spring. How much spring cleaning do I have?
— Pero Krastinator, Los Amigos City, Mexico
- A: Pero, Buddy. The garage is FULL of things to clean, this spring. So is your shed, and the attic. You may want to hire someone to help you out…
- Q: Dear Senor, my vecino eez muy desordenado! ¿Qué debo hacer?
— la senora Grapes Vine, Los Amigos City, Mexico
- A: In English, Mrs. Grapes. I’m afraid All you can do is ask nicely. I’ve already tried to call the Fire Dept., on Mr. Krastinator, so, we’ll just have to wait and see how well his spring cleaning works out…
- Q: My niece is staying at my house for the week, which is not a suitable environment for toddlers at all. With all this shoddy three-decade-old wiring and failing balloon suspension, it’s only a matter of time before all my years of neglect and poor handyman skills catch up with me. So I guess what I’m trying to ask is can I stay in your basement for a month?
— Chester Busting, Red Deer, Ontario
- A: Gee Whiz, I’ve already rented my basement to the Mole People. They constantly make a ruckus, though… so I may consider kicking them out.
- Q: How do I send in my own questions to this greatly revered document?
— Pero, Your Friendly Neighbourhood Procrastinator, Los Amigos City, Mexico
- A: Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you feel lucky, email@example.com. You could also try emailing any other of the “Staff”. at Jorry Berscuit. No matter where you live, Mexico, the badlands, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails.