I need to get that thing in my mouth as soon as possible.
- Q: How is a ghost gonna jump over a muskrat into a Zebra?
- A: Dear Master McHarper, The best way for the Ghost to do this is by rusty tricycle, and conveniently placed ramp.
- Q: When is a pigeon going to fling an Orange Crush into a gopher?
- A: Dear Mrs. Pearson, the pigeon in question will fling a bottle of Orange Crush directly into a gopher on August 17th, 2016. The time will be Midnight, exactly.
- Q: Why is a pirate ship going to toss a mouse over an octopus?
- A: Dear Mr. Goins, the curious nature of pirate ships comes down to the simply complex design of their construction. In some rare cases, pirate ships have been seen throwing potted plants in or around greenhouses. The root of the ship’s tossing has been concluded to be based on which wood the ship was constructed of. The tossing of a mouse over, but not into, or toward, suggests it was built from a combination of South American Birch and a Northern Lodgepole Deciduous Bush Root.
- Q: Where is my King going to whistle into an ethernet cable, near a goat?
- A: Dear Mr. Stuart, your King, Lucia Montano, the Berserk Drug Lord from The Kingdom of Lincoln, could whistle into an ethernet cable near a goat, in Jasper, Alberta.
- Q: Why is a Knight in Shining Armour going to hop on a plate, around a gazelle?
- A: Dear Jimmy B. Junior, It’s all the rage these days for Knights to hop on plates, around the Antelope type species of mammal. I suspect this Shining Knight was merely following the crowd. There is one other, more depressing solution, and that is that he has Quixotiosis. It’s a rare form of dementia, in which the sufferer believes common objects are dragons, or enemies, like the fictional character, Don Quixote.
- Q: When is a Jesus going to throw a roller skate near a Cow??
- A: Dear Mrs. Rodriquez, you can expect a Jesus to throw a roller skate near a cow, in 2037. It’s this date that Jesus is resurrected a 3rd time, after being mistaken for a spy, in 2024, and shot 18 times by imperialist Bhutanese rebels. Any how… In 2037, Jesus Comes back, and after getting frustrated with his new roller skates, takes them out to his Country Acherage, and thows the skates into the neighbours field, right by the cow. It takes place around 3:36pm.
- Q: How is a hotel going to skip over a space ship, toward a whale?
- A: Dear Ms. McGowan, it is widely believed that these days Hotels are built with high-tensity hydrolic shock dampers (operated via Master Control Panel, in the Janitorial Closet), which could theoretically launch a 20 storey hotel 50 meters, 164 feet, in the air. This could be enough to skip over a space ship. As long as this happens in a coastal area, and there just happens to be a beached whale, The Question has been answered.
- Q: What is a Friendly Francine going to splash a kitten with, around a camel?
- A: Dear Master Shoemaker, this is a tough question, and I needed to consult the Maddening Blogger of East Nebraska, Abby Graham: “Friendly Francine is in quite a pickle. Typically, camels live in dry, sandy places, with little liquids available, for splashing kittens with. the best choice you have is to use sand. Yes, particles can be used to splash, almost as well as liquid, but liquified sand would work even better.“
- Q: How is a toilet gonna talk to a man, at a convention?
– Lee Guevara Junior, Connecticut, South Africa
- A: Dear Mr. Guevara Junior, the modern Smart Toilets have speakers in them. If the convention goes long enough, this man may need to go to the bathroom, and that is how.
- Q: How is a hog going to talk a plate into burning itself?
- A: Dear Mr. Dunlap, plates are easily bribed, and are also generally naive. The hog could offer the plate a measly five dollars, and the plate would burn itself. However, a paper plate should only be offered a dollar, or change, because burning is deadly to paper plates, and it would just be a waste of paper bills.
- Q: What is a bat going to whisper to an elephant, in the RV?
- A: Dear Ms. Lange, you may be assuming that this whispering may be about a relationship between the bat and elephant, but you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s gossip about a relationship between the rat and elephant seal.
- Q: Why is a rat screaming at a hat, on top of a matt?
- A: Dear Mrs. Rubin, the Hat was being a jerk and hatting — I mean hitting — the rat’s best friend, Harry the elephant seal. The matt was covering a stain from the hat accidentally hitting some Orange crush juice onto the floor.
- Q: Where is a Knight in Rusted Tin gonna jump over a puppy in rusted satin?
- A: Dear Mr. Dudley, Puppies in rusted satin are more than plentiful in Nova Scotia. Rusty knights are not quite as plentiful, and are only found in New Saskatoon, on nights when the moon is full. If you can get a Rusty Puppy to New Saskatoon, then you will have to wait until the full moon. The Knight, then, will jump over the puppy as soon as possible. The answer to where, when and how.
- Q: What is a prince gonna throw into a tree near the start line?
- A: Dear Mr. Howell, the prince’s quest is to throw a heap of jelly at the start line, as is tradition. If the prince can’t throw ALL the jelly in two tries, then they are banished forever, to the Forbidden Zone.
- Q: Why is Jesus going to tie a bear to an Atomic Bomb?
- A: Dear Mr. Kerr, this is one bad bear. He was trying to start another World War, and was eating all of Jesus’ Fish. The bear is also an opinionated racist, speciest, and practiced Satinism (the religion that finds satin holy). And, Jesus has plenty of Atom Bombs to spare, in his underground weapon store.
Infrequently Asked Questions: Generosity Killed the Cat
Questions about why, who to and where those fuzzy felines give so much.
- Q: I was feeding my neighbour’s cat, and it gave me a mouse. What’s the exchange rate, in Canadian money?
– McMr McSteven McHarper, McOttawa, McCanada
- A: Dear Mr. McHarper, the cat’s mouse is worth almost $0.00001 Canadian, and that’s if the tail is in tact.
- Q: Who is the cat that knooooows where it’s at?
– Hip Cat, The Alley, YOUR Alley
- A: Dear Mr. Cat, Jimmy Whiskers is the cat who knows where it’s at. He also knows where he’s at, but he won’t tell anyone else. Good luck finding him.
- Q: My cat, Sandy, and my other cat, Sandy, never leave me a present on Christmas. They don’t even leave me a gift card. For crying out sakes, I haven’t even gotten a happy birthday card from them, in 30 years! They Will both be 50 years old, next week, and I’m not sure if I should give them a Birthday mouse, this year. What should I do?
– Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas
- A: Dear Mrs. Happiford, The average lifespan of an average housecat is about 10-15 years. I’m afraid that your cats have been dead for almost 35 years.
- Q: Oh my goodness! Then who have I been giving Christmas mice to, all these years? It wasn’t the Greeks, was it?
– Mrs. Sandy Happiford, KIWANIS, North Texas
- A: I’m sorry to say that you’ve been giving those mice to Old Man Houseboat, your local mouse taxidermist, who has been selling them back to you, and then taking them and selling them back again. For him, it has been a very profitable business. However, he is not Greek.
- Q: Howdy, yall! Our Cat Whippin’ races’ve lost a farmer’s ton ah popularity, since last year! I reckon it’s to do with how much we tan the hides of our racin’ cats. And all them fancy city folks is agin’ it! But how else’s we gonna get ‘em to run faster?
– Ms. Pansy Horseback, Stampede, Calgary
- A: Dear Ms. Horseback, A better method to speed up those cats is to give them catnip-caps, with dangling catnip-mice. It’s the economical and ecological method!
- Q: Mr. Spanky is my most prized possession. Why, everyone knows she’s the prettiest pussy around! I feed her only the finest of fancy feasts and groom her with the purest diamond encrusted, gold leafed combs. Now, I know Christmas is still half a year away, but what’s the perfect gift I can get for this most purrrrfect specimen of a feline? X3
– Nancy Prantsy, Great Koomunga Junction
- A: Dear Mrs. Pantsy, have I got a secret for you! Down by Uncle Murphy’s Farm, there’s a big heart-shaped truck. Now, ask him for the “Good stuff”, and wink. Then he’ll wink, and hand you a bag. Then Purrrrr (And remember to roll your ‘r’s) and finally give him $40. That’s the purrrfect gift for your “purrfect” cat.
- Q: I don’t even own any cats but suddenly they’re all over the place! I turned 40 recently, is this supposed to be some kind of celebration? Should I bust out the roach foggers?
– Drew Nottaclu, 345 Westforce lane, Moon Town
- A: Dear Mr. Nottaclu, The cat thing has probably reached it’s peak. I think camels will make a comeback, pretty soon… Or Jetpacks. Whichever they invent first.
- Q: Imagine a world where the fine line between animal and man becomes an odd shakey blur; Where human identity is a faint grey mass without shape, and the hand you once spread butter with is now the paw on the other cat. And the cat you thought was once your friend feeds the mice and shakes hands with dogs.
How do cats think? How do cats FEEL? What makes a cat really a cat? Great philosophers would never consider entertaining these thoughts. But when dead birds start piling up on your doorstep, it might be too late.
– Rod Serling, Twilight Zone, Nouth 8th Dimension
- A: Dear Mr. Serling, To answer your questions, we took it to the leading feline zoolologist in Egypt, at the SPHINXOLOGICAL INSTITUTE. They have built a House Cat translator, and it remains the only in existence, to this day. All Cat’s speak a form of Ancient Egyptian lost to the pyramids, long ago. According to our English translators, in Egypt, cats only spoken words are “Mee-ahh” (Yeah), and “Mee-ooo” (No). These are the only phrases Cats know, at least in English, or are audible to human ears. So, how do cat’s think? “Yeah” . How do they feel? “No”. What makes a cat a cat? “Yeah”.
- Q: When was the fuzziest cat of all, “Mortimer Puddyfoot”, born? I need to settle a life-or-death argument with my wife.
– Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Henry’s Pub and Bar, Downtown
- A: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Christine, “Mortimer Puddyfoot” was born August 2, 2017, at 5:00am.
- Q: We were both wrong! I thought it was August 2, 2017 at 5:01am, and my wife thought at 5:00pm. So long, cruel world!
– The Late Mr. and Mrs. Leslie Christine, Hell, Downtown
- Q: My curious cat asked me, the other day, “How can I ask you a question”?
– Patricia Aardvark, Arkansas, New Jersey
- A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you feel lucky, email@example.com. You could also try emailing any other of the “Staff” at Happy Cracker. I don’t care where you live, your Dog House, the Center of Downtown, or even Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
NEXT WEEK’S theme is: ‘Where does that come from?!’
Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental…
Well this is embarrassing. A couple weeks ago, Jolly Biscuit held a comic-writing competition on Reddit and Deviantart… And I totally neglected to mention it on the main website… Anyways, it’s over now, so you’re wasting your time here. But if you want to see the contest details, check out the link below the image. And if you want to see the winning submission, keep scrolling.
Congratulations Vasili for submitting the winning entry! Vasili’s Devinatart page
The winning entry:
In-Frequently Asked Questions: Sports Talk
Questions about upcoming sports events, sports, and sports sports sports!
- Q: According to sportsnat.nat, The Cowgary Flams are Up to their 15th consecutive McSteven’s cup. How many games left? They are the bestest team in the world!!
— McMr McSteven McHarper, McOttawa, McCanada
- A: Dear Mr. McHarper, Lucky for you, I have a Pro-Contact in the Sportsnat studio, Gregorie Strongbolonga: “Hey, Sportspans! The Cowgary Flams have one more month of regular season play, and eight games left. Since they are the only team in the International Hoikey League of Canada, they plan on winning their 10036th game, by default, tomorrow (Monday, April 6th) at 8:00 am.”
- Q: I want to start my own sport. The problem is, the geneva convention keeps getting in my way F***ing way! It’s not fair! People break bones all the time in Football, Cricket and Rugby! Why can’t we have a game where that’s the OBJECTIVE?!
— Ms. Marry Barry, Grand Canyon
- A: Dear Ms. Barry, I questioned the Geneva Convention about your attempts to begin this New Sport, and I was informed, quite voluntarily I may add. According to the Geneva Convention’s ancillary Public rule book section 40, page 53 “New Sports will not be accepted without proper paper-work. Ms. Barry’s inadequate submissions of smart-phone texting for this sport, which she calls ‘Basket Boot’, involves neither baskets, nor boots. The brief description of the game involved the ‘berating of other players with locally provided weapons’.”
- Q: Which sport is the fastest?
– Mr. Horrace “Horrible” Guastacho, Seattle
- A: Dear Mr. Guastacho, the fastest sport, in terms of speed, is ‘Aerial Head-Darts’ — the game which involves wearing 100 meter long cones on ones head, and dropping onto a target. People have managed to reach speeds of over 700km/h. Until only recently this was only a contest, but it was given the sport title, as several teams have been formed.
The fastest growing sport is “Speed Planting”, a tournament which involves growing plants at ridiculous speeds!
- Q: Very Soon, my sports playing robot will become so powerful that all human athletes will become obsolete, and the world will be MINE!!! However, there may be a flaw in my otherwise perfect plan… Are robots even allowed to play all the sports, or are they only allowed to play one sport at a time?
— Doctor Pitts, Center of the Earth Labrotory, Earth
- A: Dear Mr. Doctor Pitts, we reccomend building multiple robots for various sports. Teams, if you will, of robots. The Geneva Convention Public Support, regarding a Robot Appocolypse, says “robots are allowed to play any sport, as long as humans aren’t being killed. Robots will therefore not allowed to play the Tentative sport ‘Basket Boot’“.
- Q: Can Anyone defeat me?
— “The Best“, Champion Colosseum, Colorado
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. “Best”, Legends foretell that there is one who will defeat you. This person, who may or may not have been born yet, has unbelievable powers. You shall now live in the constant fear, until that fateful day that you meet.
- Q: I’m a semi-proffesional student athlete, so please tell me: How well I did I do on my last Fitness Test?
— Ms. Kayla Monkeyback, Hairyannna, Montana
- A: Dear Mrs. Monkeyback , Our records show you scored a 5 out of a possible 500 in your last Fitness Test (yesterday). Since the scores have been graded on a curve, you got a passing grade.
- Q: I play a lot of sports, but I’m still an obese blob. Please help me, Dr. Fitman!
— Mr. Bobby Slobbert, Urban Fatropolis, Fatropia
- A: Dear Mr. Slobbert, at your request Dr. Fitman responds: “Most people that play as many sports would be much more fit, like me, Dr. Fitman. However, the only sports that you have recorded to play have been computer games. I’m so disappointed, I called your parents, and told them to melt your computers and video games into plastic bubble wrap.”
- Q: I want to be a Referee, when I grow up! Where do I sign up?
— Mr. Doug Rocks, Goodlands, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. Rocks, You may find the applications to this occupation at your local supermarket.
- Q: I was wondering: Now that’s I’m a full grown Ref, I wanted to help my team out be ‘accidentally’ getting in the way of the opposition’s puck, or knocking the players on that team over. Do you know of any other ways I can secretly help my fav team out? I’m a bit biased, but don’t tell anyone.
— Mr. Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. Rocks. I’m afraid what you are proposing would be technical interference. You may also lose your job. But… I had one idea: Steal a dropped stick, and act like you were taking it back to the player, but toss it over the netting, for the fans to start raving over. I also had this idea: Scream, like there’s no tomorrow, and point in a distracting manner. This might offer a mild distraction, and an opportunity to score. Just make sure it’s your team.
- Q: Who’s my favourite teams?
— Mrs. Nosina Nostrilina, Hamsterdam, Netherlands
- A: Dear Mrs. Nostrilina, your favourite teams are: The Cowgary Flams, of the International Hoikey League of Canada, the Green Bay Green B’s, of the Aerial Head-Dart Federation and the Grand Canyon Caners of the Basket Boot Wrestling League.
- Q: How many National Hockey League teams will there be in 2025?
— Ms. Antelope Quilly-Cue, Mr. Pantaloon Quilly-Cue, Footy Mousland, Macavakia
- A-1: Dear Ms. and Mr. Quilly-Cue, we have to do some quick math, so we called Dr. Mathlete:
“I decided to make an average. I averaged the teams, since 1917, included the lockout, and got 15. Since that number has never come up, in 97 years of the NHL, I decided it must be wrong. This became a logical paradox, as Dr. Mathlete cannot be incorrect… ERROR-ERROR-ERROR“
- A-2: I apologize, but Dr. Mathlete needs to be rebooted. So, Using Prediction Technology that I’ve found, by 2025, there will be 36 NHL teams: 5 of these teams are resurrected / moved. 5 are new expansions: 1. The Quebec Nordiques return to Quebec City, due to low popularity of the NJ Devils 2. Saskatoon gets the San Jose Sharks, and renames them the The Saskatoon Sharks. 3. Tampa Bay Lighting move to Thunder Bay, bought by a famous North Ontario Billionaire. They keep the name, “Lightning” 4. The Quebec BullDogs return, after 103 years, but to St. Johns. They have the least number of players, in the entire league and are bought by the owners of “CAP-IT” 5. Seattle gets the Hurricanes , after a giant hurricane destroys North Carolina, in 2017 1. The Victoria Vampires are part of the new 2018 expansion teams 2. Kansas City Wheat Kings, bought by Wil Wheaton (Over the course of the next five years this franchise will swap 7 owners) 3. Nashville Fishermen. This franchise would not survive a single season in Nashville, and move to the American East coast, a more appropriate area, where they lasted 5 seasons in Hartford, as the Whalers, and finally end in 2026 4. Regina gets a hockey team, the Regina Rough Riders 5. Montana gets a new team, the PipeLiners. Wayne Gretzky becomes the head coach, after his “longing for hockey”. The team makes it to the playoffs but loses, in it’s second season, but loses after the first round.
AND that’s what will happen with the NHL teams, by 2025.
- Q: I got a message, from god, that I must be the best curler ever! There’s only one problem… What’s Curling?
– Mrs. Sammy Peterstein, New York, Pennsylvania.
- A: Dear Mrs. Sammy, Curling is a casual sport. It’s sort of like bocce ball, only you play on ice.
- Q: I want to be the fastest person in the world! How do I send letters to this now Renowned Publication?
– Mr. Charlie Pillowsworth, Mexico, New Mexico
- A: To be part of this blog, just send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you feel lucky, email@example.com. You could also try emailing any other of the “Staff” at Happy Cracker. I don’t care where you live, Seattle, the Center of the earth, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails. So be quick about it.
NEXT WEEK’S theme is: ‘Help, I’m locked in something!’
Any similarities to real people is purely coincidental…
In-Frequently Asked Questions For Parliament:
Questions that you wanted to hear a straight answer to, but you asked someone in politics.
- Q: How much Safer would the right to bear guns make Canada? The News says they will make it a lot safer.
— Mr. Hocke R. Schmokes, Duntown T’rana, Candadadadadadadadadadadada
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. Mr. H. Schmokes, the current opinion of 13 people (aged 8-80) is that “yes, it would!” This is based on 37 polls, during the last 20 years, on several different issues. In all of these cases, the only catalogued answers were “yes”.
- Q: Living in the Antarctic, I’m concerned how much will my taxes go up when Bill C-51 passes?
— Ms. Annie Of Antarctica, The Arctic, Antarctica
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. A. Antarctica, At this point in time, we have primarily scientific stakes in Antarctica, so you won’t have to worry about this ‘Tentative Bill’.
- Q: I’ve heard that Bill C-51 will take away jobs from normal people in the work place, like me! I’ve also heard that it gives the police the ability to use postal drones to arrest homeless people, drunk drivers, and riffraff without any details. Is this true?
— Mrs. Henry Junior, Middle City, Canada
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. H. Junior, it is our opinion that Bill C-51 will not raise taxes in our plans for raising taxes in our expansion of Iraq.
- Q: Wonder me this: Who would win in a fight Batman, or Lego Batman?
— The Wondering Wonderer, Got Ham City, Hamerica
- A: Dear Mr./Mrs. W. Wonderer, we would like to inform you that you have sent this question to the incorrect division. You must resend it to the “Questions about Batman and Lego” division, located it Saskartoon.
- Q: Where can I just stand around like this?
— Mr. Lingering Loiterson, Lazyton, Canadeja vu
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. L. Loiterson, this Party’s position on loitering is that it’s bad. Please do not loiter.
- Q: How much money will Alberta make on gas rebates, for that matter the other provinces and territories?
— Mrs. Doubting Bethany, Moneytreal, Queebeck
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. D. Bethany, That information is not public domain.
- Q: My internet stopped working, so I couldn’t send this email. That is to say, I couldn’t send the finished vers–
- A: Yes.
- Q: I heard that the CBC would be filming some films about Hinterland Who’s Who. Who will be starring in it?
— Mr. Doug Rocks, Badlands, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. D. Rocks, This government does not comment on rumours.
- Q: It’s officially spring, but there’s still snow. What is the Government going to do about it?
— Mrs. Fanny Angryoni, Super Nova Scotia, Canoodle
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. F. Angryoni, the Canadian Government is putting all resources into fighting the snow disasters on the east coast. We’ve even put zambonis on the streets. Be warned, there may be more ice than normal
- Q: When does my favourite band play?
— Mr. Antsy Pantine, Panoka, Alberta
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. A. Pantine, Your government does not comment on rumours.
- Q: Bonjour, no?
— Mr. Theodore Backwash, Limp Noodle, Labradore
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. T. Backwash, Oui.
- Q: I’ve just found out that this week is the last week to sign up at the Target’s going away sale. Is this true?
– Mrs. Sally Sellers, Tent, Canadate
- A: Dear Mr. / Mrs. Sellers, Target Canada will no longer exist at the end of April. Zellers Will return, and this is based on analytical statistics.
- Q: I want to ask a question. How?
— Hon. Steve J. Harper, PC Party, Ottawa
- A: Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you feel lucky, email@example.com. You could also try emailing any other of the “Staff” at Jilly Boscuit. No matter where you live, Mexico, the badlands, or Saskatchewan, I can receive one of your internet emails.