Inspired by real events, tragically, real events.
September’s coming up faster than greased lightning and this fall I’m going to be starting my first year of POST SECONDARY EDUCATION (que confetti)
Needless to say I’m gonna have a lot less time to get crap done, as a result I’m gonna be making fewer updates. Big deal, suck it up, that’s life, you live with things, you change, you move on, deal with it. On top of that I’ve decided to take a break this September. From September 3rd to October 1st I won’t be making any updates at all, after that I’ll be posting new comics every Monday for the foreseeable future. And unless I get struck by some kind of magic space rock which improves my Photoshop skills ten fold then nothing’s going to change very much.
Now I know what your all thinking, “youfatsackofcrapwhatthehellgetoffyourassyouwasteofskinpleasedieslowly”, and that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking as well. Shut your face and let old daddy Blue tell you what going on. Let’s say me and a good friend have been working on a large project lately and we need all the time we can get. And with a little elbow grease and some good old fashion gumption we plan to finish everything within the next month.
“What is this project?” you might find yourself asking, “Why don’t you mind your own goddamn business” I’ll say in reply, “You can’t hide from me forever!” you’ll say. And off I’ll frolic into the shadows to wait for your at your weakest moment. “All in due time” I’ll whisper to myself.
Don’t you worry your pretty little keester, Jolly Biscuit will return. Even more powerful than before, with robot spider legs, and forward mounted laser cannons, and it’ll also be one hundred stories tall, with rockets, and oil slicks… And none of it would be possible without the support of viewers like you, all five of you. Keep on trucking hombres.
(Looks out the window)
Oh sweet Jesus, summer is coming…
I always knew this day would come, just like every other year around June. My fair skin and paper bag hardly survived last year’s solar bombardments. I avoid the outdoors as best as I can, but I gotta stretch my legs (the glutes want what the glutes want). Ordinarily I’d run around the house screaming but recently my parents won’t let me do that anymore, apparently I’ve left too many sticky-ice cream fingerprints and dead birds around for their liking.
Maybe if I hide under a pile of towels this year then summer won’t even know that I’m here. If I’m lucky maybe it’ll move on to one of those cold countries like Viking-Landia or the moon. It’s a crying stinking shame that summer don’t roll like that, he ends up just overstaying his welcome and makes everything all dry and sticky like granny Geerson. Summer’s nothing like the welcoming embrace of winter. Winter is a pretty coooooool guy……. (cricket sounds)
Winter has a sense of personal space, as long as you pay your heating bills he minds his own business and stays the hell out of your way. SURE, you can attempt to ward off summer by purchasing one of those fan things but they keep pivoting from left to right so you’re really only getting like twenty percent efficiency out of those things. I’ve heard rumors that you can stop those things from pivoting but those fans are always too complicated to figure out, they’ve got like three different buttons on them and I never know which one to press. Summer gets all up in your shit and doesn’t leave you alone unless you hide in your basement. That is, if you’re fortunate enough to not have any windows in your basement. If you do it only makes matters worse, summer kinda just peers in through your window and you know that you can’t do anything about it because the last time you tried to get a restraining order the police just hung up. Friggin summer with his beaches and his ice cream and those pool parties in his back yard. If I had my own season then it would rain puppies and the sky would turn pink and summer isn’t invited.
Stick around kids because next time I’m going to complain even more about nice things…
You’ve all got opinions right? Everyone here is an opinioneer correct? What in the name of Travolta’s John is wrong with movies these days?! Even the movies that are supposed to be crappy corny popcorn films don’t make me laugh with crappy low budget practical effects, they make me cry myself to sleep with low budget computer generated Jeff Bridges. No wait… Tron Legacy had a very big budget… WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THEN?!!!!
Have you ever noticed the resemblance between the decrease in movie entertainment value and the increase in computing power ever since Bobby Fischer got hooked up to that chess playing robot and fought against that hyper intelligent chicken? Or was he fighting Boris Spassky?… Anyway, my memory’s not quite what it used to be but I think that battle obliterated all of Russia along with most of the Northern hemisphere. The point is as computers have been getting exponentially better each year movies have been getting worse simultaneously. I blame frogger for this. It’s not like anything’s been proven yet, so there’s no need to shut off your computer and go outside, none at all…
Throw whatever points you want onto the discussion table but know this! We’re facing a crisis here. If these movie suckery trends continue, soon our society will produce a movie that will suck so bad that it will pull every other movie down the lowest common denominator of entertainment. Thus plunging our world into a bitter wasteland future like that one in Mad Max where no movie is safe from the devastation caused by Ghost Rider 3.
Every movie except for Sharktopus that is, that was a flipping masterpiece…
The official Jolly Biscuit app has been released to the Apple app store! It includes all comics, is regularly updated, has social media integration, blog integration, favourites feature, and much more! Best of all, it’s free! Head up to https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/jolly-biscuit/id639070998?ls=1&mt=8 to see a preview of the app or search up ” jolly biscuit” on the app store from your iDevice. Thank you for supporting our app!
(((( **** Please read post as if everything meant the opposite ****))))
Im sorry everyone. I really am. I can’t believe I made this application. I’m such a failure. Why!!!!!! I don’t know what came over me. Sigh. Alas, it is too late.
(((( **** Due to technical difficulties, everything should be taken as the literal meaning from now on **** ))))
Did you know that there is an app for jollybiscuit.com? Well there is. -_-
The official jollybiscuit app will make you laugh your biscuits off(no reference intended)! The app is currently going through review, containing an automatically updated archive of comics from jollybisuit.com. Plus, it comes with a free plushie!(offer just expired, you won’t be getting the plushie >:D) Jolly Biscuit(app name) will be released on to the app store in this comic week for the humongous price of $0000.0000! Please keep updated, as soon as this app is released, all of you who read this blog shall be the first to know! Look forward to an extra comic on app release day. As with Nubly, I’d like to apoligize for making this app and if unstoppable laughter comes over you when using this app, try punching the person next to you 3 times in the noggin.
(Hows that, Nubly? Is my futile stab at humor satisfactory? HEY! Don’t do that! Its not that awful! No, stop! - message will be continued, as the fate of Blazark the Infernal “Immortal” is still unknown. Was he KIA? Stay tuned for next week on: Twenty Ways to trick & confuse your audience!